There are a lot of articles about “what I would tell my younger self”. Today, I feel the opposite. I’m looking at my younger self for advice.
After getting my heartbroken by my first love, going through my parents divorce, putting myself through different schools because I felt so lost and dealing with a sibling that I lived with yet, didn’t speak with, I gave myself the best advice. And that was. Do what is best for you.
I put my heart and soul into swimming. I went to bed early. I woke up early. I gave 110% at practice. I ate the right foods. I said no to dances and proms because I wanted to be the best athlete I could be. It was the one thing that I had control over and it was the one thing that I felt such an amazing reward from.
I did have fun, had friends and I went to parties but I also had my heart set on me.
I won’t forget how awful it felt those first mornings after my break up without text messages from my now ex boyfriend. It would be before 5am driving to swim practice and I would just tell myself it’s okay because I’m going to get faster today in the pool and that’s going to make me happy. The happiness I got from swimming completed me.
I think over the past 3 years as I’ve gone through the ups and downs of bipolar, I’ve lost that girl. I lost that competitiveness and that drive.
That girl has come back. I’m working on bringing it back because I’m changing my mindset. The moment that I have my priorities and what I love and my health in check, everything else will fall into place.
My dad is coming this weekend and he’s the only person in the world I want to see. I have this huge sense of relief and comfort when I’m with him. But we’re having dinner with some of my friends and my one friend keeps trying to get me to drink…why? I don’t know. She knows about my illness, my hospitalizations and my medications. She knows I have trouble monitoring my drinks and I blackout. And it bothers me that she’s so insistent about me drinking and it also scares me that I’m going to.
But I have to keep telling myself no. I have a goal. I have commitments. I have promises to myself that I have to keep.