It’s nice to feel like me again.
After a manic episode, I have never just come back to normal reality and lived life. But this time, I did. No hospitalizations. I didn’t end up going to a partial program. I just nursed myself, in my studio apartment, back to health. It was not easy and I didn’t do a good job, to be honest.
Last weekend, I was at my dads apartment in NYC and I saw my childhood best friend who I spent New Years Eve with. She said to me how I seemed so much better, she could have a conversation with me, I wasn’t irritated and I was focused and laughing and had emotions, I wasn’t talking to her about doing illegal drugs or getting drunk, I was happy and I was me. It was so good to hear. I later saw my best friend in Boston and she said the same thing. I was visibly better, I was in a different light than when I was ringing her doorbell at 3am, sitting on her bed crying because I was the only one awake in the city.
I haven’t been back to work. My first day will be in a week, February 1. I’m excited. It’s weird because I am. I feel very ready to be back in work and I’m not as scared as I’ve been in the past to get back into my job. I’m more excited than worried about what my co-workers will ask as to why I have been away.
It’s weird. I’m in a weird situation. I still believe it’s September or maybe October and I get really confused and sad that it’s almost the spring again??? Where did those months go? What did I do during the time from now until then? It makes me upset.
But, I survived this manic episode like all the episodes I’ve survived before. I feel stable and I’m happy that I feel stable. I know before I was very okay with the fact that I was so emotional but now I’m okay that I’m stable and “boring”.
It’s a process. It’s not perfect. It’s not a straight line. It’s ups and downs and learning.
I’m here though. I survived. I will survive again too.