I feel like a fraud when I say I was manic because I never went to the hospital. I had my inpatient bags packed (no alcohol in my lotion!, etc) and my father called my psychiatrist to send me but I never went. My ex-boyfriend had my extra keys to take care of my cats and I had coloring books, et al. I haven’t been to work, in now weeks, but I never went inpatient and I just feel like I should have. I know I needed to. There’s a lot of self-stigma.
Anyway, I have a lot that I want to write about. I want to write how I’m so scared to go back to work. I’m so scared to be exposed to people knowing the real reason why I wasn’t there. I want to write how I’m terrified to let people know I’m lying about how I’m on medical leave. I’m scared that someone exposed my illness. It’s ironic because months ago, I was here, writing and it was 3am and I was manic out of my mind, writing about how I didn’t get my life and I couldn’t understand why I was the way I am. It’s phases.
It’s January 2019. I wake up every day and I think it’s still Fall. The season. I think it is fall 2018, September, to be exact, and 2019 hasn’t happened yet. It’s terrifying because no one is in this world with me. I have a whole chunk of my life gone and I know it’s okay because it’s happened to me before but it’s never fun to be there alone.
To me, the entire fall season, did not happen. Not to me. I was not here and I am here now and it’s 2019 and I don’t remember Christmas or New Years Eve or Holiday parties at work. I was on 6 airplane flights in 9 days and I can’t recall them because I was too manic and I didn’t sleep for days into weeks. I’m confused.
It’s scary because I used to do this and it was okay. And by “doing this” means healing. I would go home from being sick at the hospital and be with my mom and my dad but I’m alone now. And it’s different and it’s new and it’s something I have to learn because this illness is something I will always have to manage, no matter what. I will always do this. I’m always living this life. I’m learning.
So I’m doing it. I had a really awful night. I had really bad anxiety before a dinner and drank too much to try and calm my nerves and made a fool of myself. And it’s okay. I have to forgive myself. I just know that I have to learn how to rebound from being in an episode to going back to real life.
I have to go back to work and be in the world. I didn’t go to the hospital. I don’t have anyone, a social worker or therapist, to tell me what to say and I’m really scared. I am. I get very paranoid but this is my life. This is my life and this is how I’m going to live for the next 60+ years, more or less. So, I’m going to have to start now.
I’m starting. I’m living. I’m so scared. But, I am here. We can do it. I’m sorry