Well what a year it has been and it’s only 12 days in. 2019.
I have not gone back to work since 2018 because I have been on medical leave. Between 6 flights in 9 days, so many sleepless nights and foodless days and so much harm to my physical, mental and emotional health, I cashed out for short term disability.
I knew it was going to happen. I couldn’t power through anymore. It gets to a point when you just collapse inside and the fight fights you and you stand no chance. It’s okay. I’ll get back up. I’m getting back up.
I am not going inpatient, like I thought I would, I even had my bag packed to go after my dad called my physiatrist on me to go see him. Things are a little different when you live alone and 5 hours from your parents and not many people know the severity of your situation. I wake up at 4pm with so many text messages and phone calls about how I turned off find my friends to my dad when I was delusional at 2am because after I called him 40 times, he didn’t answer me so why should he know what I’m doing?
But, I am figuring out my outpatient, PHP situation, and I will be okay. I always become okay. We all are okay, at some point, because we are fighters and we survive this.
I’ve had a lot of sleepless nights regardless. I’ve spent too many hours at the Charles River or running at 4am in the dead cold but, it’s going to be okay. Always okay.
It had to happen. The mania was coming whether I wanted it to or not. It’s been too much lately. I’m getting the help I need. Thank you.
Love always, M.