The Happiest New Year

2019, we have arrived. 2018 was a hundred and more lifetimes long, it felt.

New Years Eve was a weird night but I spent it with my favorite human, non biological sister, best friend and we laughed and cried and sat on the same side of the booth when we ate brunch this morning and just hugged 159 times over and over when we said bye on 44th street and cried as we hugged and just told each other it will be okay because when you had a hard year and you feel sad and alone you get comfort in the people who know you inside and out. I am so lucky to have someone who has stayed my best friend for so many years, through all of my illness.

And. Our night was the continuation of the talk of problems. Problems and overanalyzing and issues and what is the solution. We talk and talk and talk and talk. What are we talking about.

And, I can’t. Not about my life anymore. I know what I have to do, as Stevie Nicks said, “Don’t listen to other people. In you heart of hearts, you know what’s best for you.”

I do. I cannot go to work tomorrow or this week and not next week and I cannot go on the company trip to Denver because I cannot function anymore. I’m, as my father would say, crashing. And that is okay. I am getting help. I am being brave in asking for help. It’s hard. It’s hard to admit you’re not doing great and you have no control over it.

I haven’t slept a night since Friday. I’ve been on 6 flights since Christmas Eve and I have no idea what day it is. I am not well. It’s okay. I’m making it through. I am alive.

I’m taking a medical leave. And, it happens and it hurts when my best friend tells me she thinks its my cop out or that it’s a cycle I will never get out of but, this is my life. This is the disease that is so intimately intertwined with who I am and how I live and its hurtful to hear that. But, how can you know what is “taking the easy way out” and what’s “an excuse” or “something you let happen to yourself like clockwork”, if you don’t live with it? You don’t. She doesn’t. I do. It’s okay. I can’t describe it anyway.

I’m taking off of work, for a few weeks and I’m going to go to an outpatient program and if I have to, go inpatient, I will. But I need a break. To rest. To reset. It’s a new year. I owe it to myself to be my best friend and take care of me. We all do.

I don’t know what I’m going to say to HR or my boss when I send an email tomorrow morning saying I don’t know when I will be back after my absence after absence these past few months. But, I will not be in the office tomorrow and I will be out for a while because I’m going to get better and be stable and accountable and do more than just make it through each day and night. It’s not okay anymore. I don’t want to just survive 24 hours.

This year, 2019, I don’t have a resolution. I have so many things I want to work on and it’s overwhelming to think about but, I just want to be okay. I want to function and do the things that make me happy. I want to get back to having a fulfilled life, a life worth living and that is something that I’m working on figuring out what that means to me.

And maybe that’s my new years resolution, finding what my life worth living is or just getting a few steps, ideas and thoughts as to what that could possibly be.

It’s a new year. But, I like to think I can start every day. I’m a hypocrite if I say I believe it each morning but it’s true. We don’t need January 1 to start again or start over or fix what’s broken. This year, 2019, I think I did though. I think I needed that mentality to push me otherwise I would keep on spiraling down.

I’m so grateful and this is tough but I’m so thankful to have so much support and that’s all. It’s a New Year but I still have all of the people in my life that are my solar system and my stars still shine every night even when I can’t see them and for that, I will allow myself to heal and rebuild and my life will be the best life for me to be living.

Xo, M

 

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