4 flights down and 2 more to go within 9 days..probably not the best for my mental health currently but what can I do.
I left to go on vacation with my dad and had verbally stated to my co-worker I couldn’t wait to go to “drunkenly cry to my dad”. Once I commit to something, I go all out.
Every single night, I spent bawling my eyes out to my dad about how sad I was. I mean, vacation was great but, it was also a lot of crying. It was crying on the beach alone. It was crying as I texted my ex boyfriend all day. It was crying to my mom on the phone at midnight, crying so hard I couldn’t breathe. It was crying on the hotel balcony and crying myself to sleep.
That’s what it was.
I’ve been SO obsessed with fixing myself. So obsessed with what my goals need to be, what the steps need to be, what can I do, how do I fix myself.
I feel something and then I analyze it and then I cry about it and then I write about it and then I try to figure out the pattern or what triggered it or how to stop it or if that’s why I am the way I am.
It just needs to stop.
I need to stop and forgive and move on and do better every single day. So what.
I can do hard things. People do hard things and hard things happen to people who don’t deserve them or do deserve them.
I have come home. I am home. I’ve always been home.
Regardless, I have to set myself free because by thinking I need this elaborate plan to be free and happy and lovable, I am becoming a prisoner of myself. I’m letting it go now.