Merry Christmas!

It is the hardest time of the year, the holidays and pat yourself on the back for a job well done because we have almost made it through.

No matter how you spent it or what you endured, you did it! It’s Christmas, if you celebrate, and then it’s New Years, if you think it’s important to celebrate, and then we can just throw away all this festive garbage away and go back to life as best as we can.

I know, this Christmas season has been super hard for me. Life was already hard and it got harder. It got a lot harder that on Saturday I was probably on my 3rd bottle of wine, ordered 2 Domino’s gluten free pizzas and was walking around the Charles River crying how I used to be able to run at 11pm. I stood on the brand new footbridge and sobbed how my feet used to carry me miles and how insignificant I felt. I looked down at the traffic going by and I really truly scared myself. I woke up 30+ hours later.

I used to be able to wake up at 5am everyday and run miles on miles. And with that meant I was at work on time and I took public transportation to get there. With that 5am wake up call came an early bed time, no all nighters and feed my body the way it deserves. I had a good boyfriend and I was not drinking, ever. I miss that a lot. But, I’m also glad I crashed. I’m making this beast beautiful.

Somewhere, I slipped down the slippery slope and I’m still here, holding on for dear life. Because, I can’t give up and I never will. I slept the entire day of Sunday. It was one of those go to bed on Saturday night and wake up Monday at 10am and what the hell happened because Sunday never happened in my world.

Because I didn’t do anything on Sunday, I had to take off Monday from work to do all my errands before I left Boston for a week. I went to my extended family’s house for Christmas Eve where I could tell people noticed my weight loss and that I seemed off and my dad asked if I was drinking on the plane, which I wasn’t, and I ultimately felt so uncomfortable, especially when the food came out and I’m truly not hungry but when your pants are sagging people make assumptions..but I survived it! When I needed to, I took breaks, I hid in the guest room or went to the guest bedroom. I took care of myself as best as I could because it hasn’t been easy for me. And being around family is tough when things are personally tough.

And now I’m laying on the beach on a tropical island in a different time zone than my home and I ultimately felt relief once that plane touched the ground. I’m free for a little bit. Free from everything but my mind, which could be the worst dictator but I’m going to fake it til I make it.

Sure, I feel so uncomfortable in my own body. My skin is awful, I feel like I’ve eaten too much, my mind is still racing and I’m still impatient and agitated. But I’m also kind of on “island time”. We have a 9pm dinner reservation like who does that??? My friends and I go to dinner at 530! But I have no where to really be and no responsibilities so we can go to dinner at 9pm. And I guess writing that feels silly because honestly there are times that 2am feels like 3pm and days are all just days that run together, there is no weekday or weekend.

And I’m sitting here and I’m mapping out the next month of my life. How much money I need, what I need to commit to, what commitments I’ve already made, how I’m going to straight up survive another month! I’ve signed up for a marathon in July which gives me a good 7 months to get back into it. I’m thinking of my next steps and breaking them down into baby steps so I can actually do them.

I’m trying. I’m really trying. And how can I fail if I try a little bit at a time. I will get there. No matter how slowly.

Everything lately has felt hard for me but the one thing I’m so grateful for is that I am feeling. I am not numb to the pain and discomfort I was before. I’m not literally running from it. I’m not binge eating it away after running 20 miles. I’m not a robot going from work to workout to bed. I’m up at 2am and I’m up at 4pm and I’m feeling this. It’s not glamorous but it’s happening.

I know where I hurt and I’m learning why I hurt. It doesn’t all make sense. Not yet. But it’s an improvement and it’s a step closer to being better. I can put my finger on something and think. And I’ll take that.

It’s also strange for me to think that I did this without therapy. I have been out of seeing a therapist since April. And I will get back to seeing one because I do need to but, this crash and burn has been all me. I’ve been my own guide, as hard as it’s been. And I think it’s made me stronger.

This past fall, as in September 21-December 21, has been one of the most uncomfortable periods of my adult life so far but I love it. I’m grateful, thankful and so glad it happened because I’m sorting it out. The good. The bad. The okay. The what really needs improvement.

I’m putting me first. I’m saying no. I’m talking about what happened in the past and feeling things out with the appropriate parties.

I’m also pretty unstable and completely unreliable but I’m going to take the hit because I need this to grow. It’s the small loss I’ll take to become who I need to be.

And with that said, Merry Christmas. I honestly only asked Santa for good skin because the manic anxiety has wrecked mine but other than that. I’m happy to be here. I’m happy to be alive. I’m happy I have a family. I’ve never realized how many people care about me until recently and I am SO grateful. Thank you people for keeping me alive to see another day. I love this life and I love all of you. Merry Christmas! Love always and forever, M

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