A Letter To My Misunderstanding *friend*

Today, right now, DECEMBER 22ND. **** texts me about her brother going insane. The same texts she sent me over the summer. and yes, they are concerning and yes they do resemble mania. a little bit yes. i don’t know her brothers and i’m not a doctor and i’m not a specialist in mania, i’ve only been a victim, not a savior. and so therefore, when i tell her i’m a bad friend because i got in a fight with her friend at a party and i’m in a manic rage and i tell you later that my lithium level is low and i feel awful and so sorry about she was angry, you don’t fucking abandon me. you do not tell me you wish that you didn’t invite me. you do not belittle me. you do not make me feel more alone than i already feel. but you do. and you have. and you are going to. and therefore, when you come to me and it’s 5 months later and i really don’t care about you anymore and you have made no effort to keep our friendship or see me, i will give you my best advice and i will tell you to let it play its course and that you just don’t really know until you know. 

and when i say i can’t help you with your brother in his situation and you are asking me to help you. I CANNOT FUCKING HELP YOU. I cannot help you for so many reasons and it starts with the fact that you were not there when i didn’t even ask for your help but simply your understanding and compassion that I was not 100% well. being sick with this illness is not just sending psychotic messages on Facebook or staying up all night. It’s getting blackout drunk randomly because you can’t stand life and then going back to normal. It’s having a day of complete rage and then being okay. it’s being so fucking anxious you can’t stand in lines or on public transportation but it resolves itself. it’s wanting to buy that really expensive necklace so badly and then in a few days your confused as to what your attraction was. it is not what you think it is. And you put me in a box. that day, you change the way you saw me. i went from being your equal, your friend to being someone who had a problem. I do have a problem, it is a mental illness. and I was dealing with symptoms and i told you and you shut me out and therefore, i will not be there for you because you were not there for me. i suffered on my own. you will too. i suffered in the past, i suffered that day, i suffer everyday and i will suffer today and tomorrow and forever. so enjoy, enjoy this journey of suffrage but i don’t want to be on it with you. you’re on your fucking own and so am i. I have always been on my own on this illness and I always will be.

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