I’ve spent most of the summer under the influence. Sometimes I started earlier around lunch, a nice glass of rosé with a salad. Sometimes I started later when I was bored, waiting for my night to start.
As my mania kicked in, I would take 3-6 mg of klonopin and I would drink all night long, staying up late. I would wake up and go for a run and repeat the cycle. My most embarrassing moments are when I’d put alcohol in my purse because I knew my brain moved to fast for me to tolerate walking to the prudential center.
Now that my mania is over and my lithium level is stable, my drinking habits are not.
I don’t know if it’s because I miss the excitement and fun experiences of mania but there’s been maybe 1 night since I got discharged that I didn’t cry and drink myself to sleep.
I drunk text everyone. I buy expensive things online. I spent money on alcohol. I want to date every boy. And then I get sad that I’m alone so I cry and I call my mom and I send her paragraphs about how alone and sad I am.
Drinking brings me back to that manic state. It’s not the same intensity but it’s something that makes me “have fun” and not be bored.
Lately, it’s gotten out of hand. My dad picked me up from Penn Station Friday night and I couldn’t stand. I had lost my stuff on the train because I was so drunk I forgot where I was sitting.
I’ve been rejected by bars at 24, for being too drunk, which is something that has never happened to me.
But I’m doing it because my life is missing something. I don’t want to go back to my job but I will. I’m looking at part time retail positions and maybe going back to school for fashion merchandising.
Today I’m going to put an end to the alcohol. I can’t do it anymore. I hate waking up not know what I did or what I said or who I met.