Birthday weekend

My birthday weekend has been a struggle. I don’t want to get into it so I’ll share some pictures. I may commit myself inpatient early August… things haven’t been going well. But they look it! One more full day, tomorrow, aka my birthday. So that should be a fun birthday dinner. But there have been a lot of tears, a lot of drinking behind my moms back and a lot of taking seroquel so I can fall asleep and not have to face reality.  

Aka. It’s been hard. But what can I expect. My expectations for my birthday have always been low since I’ve realized no one is ever on the manic level I get to. But I’ve always celebrated my birthday for a long time, a month, give or take.
I never made the correlation between summer mania and my birthday. But in hindsight, it makes a lot of sense why I feel the need to go wild for it. It makes it’s that much easier to slip into the death trap that I have been unable to get out of.  I have always loved celebrating my birthday and it’s during such a vulernable time. 

I’ll give a more thorough update later but to be honest, a lot of good as happen. I don’t want this to be a sad and negative post. So here is the positivity in my life. 

I’m not as underweight. I may just be 1 percent underweight. I asked for extra training on my job so instead of firing me, I’m getting a lot of help to do my job better and I even got a raise. I just have to keep it up. I know I can do it. 
But honestly. When will this summer be over? When can I end this mania? It will end. It always passes. I’m so lucky I haven’t fallen into depression. And I’m sorry for those of you who go into that dark place I have yet to meet. But I’m going to be okay. We are all going to be okay!!! Please never ever ever ever forget that.

We aren’t alone. We are never ever ever alone. 

So much love, always xo, michelle 

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