In 16 days, I will be turning 24 years old. As I have planned dinners with friends and my dad and a trip to the vineyard, I still feel like something’s missing.
What I want for my birthday isn’t a specific sort of company or a specific tangible present, like a necklace or laptop computer.
I want to sleep through the night without having to take seroquel religiously. I want to sleep without having to chug water or pee my bladder out from lithium.
I want to eat food and not Google the calories or tally everything up in my head. I want to forget what the hell a calorie means and how it impacts my body.
I want to make a decision and stick to it. I don’t want anxiety of the hypothetical or theoretical.
I don’t want to go on shopping sprees to feel fulfilled. I don’t want to be afraid to check my bank account.
I want to make plans, far in advance, that I can actually keep and follow through with 100 percent.
I don’t want to keep my wine bottle collection growing so I can feel entertained and amused at night. I don’t want to finish a bottle and search for the nearest open liquor store or see if I can get a subscription for my favorite bottle.
I don’t want to forget chunks of my life, having weird blackouts from the concoction that stirs in my brain. I want to be mindful, present and participate in each and every second of my life.
Having a mental illness is hard. But right now, it feels like it’s getting harder and harder every single day.
This illness is new to me, I don’t know if this is normal. I don’t know if there is a normal. It’s difficult, I don’t suffer from depression but mania. So support groups, I’m sure they’re AMAZING, may not help me as they help others.
I build my own indirect support group through work friends, my friends, my psychologist, my psychiatrist, my dietician. I use them to help me in the moment, but in reality, I have this MASSIVE itch that needs to be scratch. I don’t think anything will fix it. And I think that’s bipolar disorder. That’s the cure we are all sitting here patiently waiting for.
And in the meantime,
I have a plan, I’m going to try and rebuild my structure, create healthy habits, instill better behaviors and hopefully become the most stable I can be.
The saddest part of this weekend was I told my mom I think I’m going to die before she does. I don’t know why I said that, I don’t know if I believe it, but I did.
And so, all I want for my 24th birthday is to have my life back, the one I’m in control of and the one I’m most happy in.