How did I become this way?

Maybe your dad is bipolar, maybe your mom is or your brother or sister.

But there are some people, like myself, who have NO ONE in their blood line to point to bipolar disorder.

Every doctor I’ve been to has asked who I’ve been related to that has substance abuse, bipolar, depression, anxiety, etc. But I have no one to point to.

23 and me, is this new genetic testing. I seriously thought about doing it for a while but it’s just going to tell me I’m german, I’m canadian. It’s not going to say that great grandfather has bipolar 1 that trickled down to you. It’s not going to say that great uncle has alcoholism that you inherited. It won’t say that aunt betty has anorexia and that’s why  you don’t eat.

I want know. I’m so curious. I need answers. I don’t know how to find them. And I wonder if I’m the starting line. Is it me? Am I the beginning of all the fucked up, mental health issues in my family? Should I not have kids just to stop the suffering?

I don’t know. This weekend has been insane. Every day feels insane. I’m blaming it on the season of summer. Summer is usually my favorite, but right now, it’s just a blur. It’s day to day that blurs into each other. It’s too much alcohol, it’s too much binge eating, it’s too much hating myself.

I want schedule. I want routine. I want structure. I want to be in control.

I’m so far from that. But I know I can get back to it.




4 thoughts on “How did I become this way?

  1. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have had children.

    Um…and my son, who nearly killed me to raise, has recently made scientific discoveries as a post-doctoral fellow, that have the potential to eliminate cancer and several other dreaded diseases.

    But he hates me, because I’m bipolar.

    Life’s a bitch.


      1. Thank you so much. Kind kind of you to say such lovely things about me. I feel like we have become great friends through our blogs. I hope we can continue to be friends for a long time


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