Work, Wellness, Illness, Being present

This has been such a wild ride for me. I’m up to 3 diagnoses and currently I have 4 doctors on my anorexia team.

Last Thursday I had a dietician appointment and a psychologist appointment later that day. Friday, I had a physician appointment and then a psychiatrist appointment. My life is literally doctors appointment to doctors appointment. How can I hold down a job?!?!?! I’m supposed to be working at least 40 hours plus for this law firm while juggling dietician, psychologists, physicians and psychiatrists.

And it’s become obvious to my company. I make my own hours, I leave at 1pm for appointments and don’t come back. I PTO every other week (or more, mostly more)

It’s not okay. It’s okay for me, for my health, but for corporate america, it’s not acceptable. And it’s hard. It’s so hard. I’m stuck. I’m stuck between my health and getting better and I’m stuck between holding down a job and my career.

No one knows. No one knows that I am suffering from severe anorexia, bipolar disorder and I have substance abuse problems with alcohol. Can you imagine? I’m not here to throw myself a pity party (EVER) but it’s tough! It’s so tough! I’m alone! I have my beautiful cats but I don’t have anyone who understands where I’m coming from. I moved to a new city with no close friends and all of these underlying issues and I’m stuck.

I feel really alone, so much of the time.

But I lie. I say, I have to check on my cats. I have to go home to feed my cats. I have to go to CVS to pick up my birth control pills. I have a PCP appointment far away so I took the day off. But I’m a bad liar. And I feel guilty. Guilt rots my bones, it’s terrible.

I had to meet with my supervisor today and I totally mentally blew it out of proportion, she just told me to have cover when I’m gone. And if I leave before 3pm, I need to PTO. It was honestly a relief thought, I thought I was going to be fired from the second job in a row.

Essentially, I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know what to think of anything. This is my first real corporate job! And it’s so hard. It’s so hard to manage my illness, health and be productive to contribute to this law firm. I didn’t think that seeming so normal yet having so many issues would bring this but here I am! A disabled woman just floating around corporate America.

I’m not on disability. My company knows NOTHING.

But working here has it’s perks. Thank you for the health insurance. Thank you for the non-HMO plan. Thank you for the generous PTO (I’ve almost used it all up). Thank you for the paid holidays. Thank you for being reliable and paying me when you say you will. Thank you for giving me the friends that I call my family in this city of Boston (even if they don’t know my struggles). They get me through. They make me forget that I don’t want to eat, they make me forget that I have so much noise in my head.

I have suffered so much. But I have learned so much. And I have gained so much. Of course, I have complaints. But I also have so much to be grateful for and so much to be blessed for. And I’m just going to end this positively. It’s been a tough ride but I’m tough. So thank you for the experience and thank you for the ride.

I’m still here. And I’m ready to take on whatever challenges face my way! Bring it!!

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2 thoughts on “Work, Wellness, Illness, Being present

    1. I work for a law firm doing green cards. It’s a lot of do it now, it should’ve been done yesterday, this needs to go out today, etc, etc. And my brain spins! Not the healthiest but taking it in stride for now. Thanks for the support xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

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