Why do I feel so alone? This is a question I ask myself always? Is it true that I just feel all the time.
I think I’ve figured it out. It’s hard to be intimate with any person, mom, sibling, best friend, boyfriend or classmate when they can’t associate in close, personal situations. They don’t know my brain structure, chemistry, difference.
I have friends. I have best friends. I have strong relationships with my mom and dad. I have built really strong famial bonds and I’m so lucky to have them.
But I feel lonely. All the time.
Tonight I told my friend I’m seeing a psychologist. I made the conversation about sports and how my past division 1 athletic career has sent me overboard in being a perfectionist that brings too much stress to my life.
I told her that there was a “possibility” I needed to stop work and go to a full day program. She was completely taken aback. She said I don’t need that, I’m so in control. It’s just a little stress.
She knows my drinking gets bad, only from the past few weeks of her knowing me. We’re very close and come from similar backgrounds. But still. She knows but she has absolutely no idea
I lack the intimacy. I’m afraid I’ll never be married. I’m afraid I’ll never have that connection with another person. I want it. I crave it. I haven’t had a serious boyfriend in a really long time and I believe it’s because the fact that I can’t casually pop an antipsychotic before bed may be an awkward topic.
It’s something I need to work on. I think it starts with being vulernable, perhaps. And that’s not something I’m good at. I put up a good front.
Anyway, happy Friday. I hope you all have some relaxing to do this weekend!!! Take I easy my friends