The Slippery Slope

Things may be going bad, really quick. I want to be positive, though.

Everyday is a bad day. No, everyday FEELS like a bad day. It’s just a feeling, not a fact.

Do you know when you wake up and you just want today to be good. Just one little thing but you don’t even know what it is. What could make today a good day? An itch I NEED to scratch. I try and I try but I’m never quite there.

That’s me. My mood sucks. I’m agitated. I’m making lists. My lists have lists.

I can’t sit still at work. I’m restless. I need to go. I need to do. I need to see. I need to spend. I want my apartment to be perfect. I want to be in control of everything. Absolutely everything.

And maybe this is hypomania, maybe this is the beginning of mania. I don’t exactly have a great grasp on hypomania. It has probably come and fled so quick, I only said hi and I was full fledged manic.

I’ve been abusing alcohol and klonopin. I hate saying that. But I want to be honest. I know I can be honest here.

I don’t want to turn down this path again. I won’t turn down this path. I will recover. I will not go back in the hospital. I promise you. I promise myself. I promise my parents. I promise everyone.

I feel so very alone. I can’t talk to my mom, her advice sucks. She tries her best. I love her, but she doesn’t know what it’s like. I take what she says with a grain of salt. A for effort mommy, I always love you. I do love you, you just don’t know what I’m going through.

I ask my one friend to visit because I have no friend close here and she’s like “oh I can’t, have plans”. Even though I told her I’m struggling and starting ED treatment. And she replies “does it suck?”. Well, that’s a refreshing opinion on the situation, huh?!

My other close friend can be unreliable. She is truly an angel but she’s just preoccupied with other things so it’s hard to get a hold of her.

My dad thinks working out is a positive outlet when reality it’s the most stressful thing for someone with body image issues. I can’t go to the gym. That’s all ED behavior.

I’m stuck. I’m getting sucked in. I want out. And I don’t even have internet until Saturday when Comcast shows up. It’s so frustrating. I’m so frustrating and mad. I don’t know what to do. I want it to stop.

But I want to thank everyone. I want to show my gratitude. I’m so privileged in life. In every other aspect, God has given me the best deck of cards. And I just want to give back and say to everyone here who reads my blog how thankful I am. Thank you for just hitting like or submitting a comment. It means the WORLD to me. I hope one day, I can write a memoir, be a public speaker, write a newspaper column, who knows.

I want to give back to all of my friends who are here and who hurt and struggle day in and day out. We are not alone. We are NEVER alone. No matter how tough things may seem, there is a shining star


4 thoughts on “The Slippery Slope

  1. wow this is hard. not sure what to tell you. except its good that you reached out. support from friends even online is always a positive. i am sending you hugs and love across the miles, xoxo


  2. You mentioned Lithium and Klonopin. Are those the only medications you’re on? I’m surprised they are focusing on an ED when alcohol abuse doesn’t usually go with it because of the caloric intake. There are a million other reasons you were only eating 5 foods. I was doing the same. I found out I had Celiac Disease and other autoimmune problems that caused this behavior. Klonopin can also cause anorexic like symptoms in some people. Lithium wouldn’t be my first choice, I had an enlarged liver from drinking for over 20 years so it wouldn’t have been good. A few of my relatives are on it and I never liked how it made them behave. Actually my Aunt was obsessed with weight and food. I have a cocktail of an antidepressant, mood stabilizer, and an antianxiety medication. Also something to sleep. Try to research some of what they are telling you if possible. You have to be your own advocate. Good luck!


      1. I’m always available to talk. After I was diagnosed and put on medications it took about 2 years to find the right combo. During that time I became so frustrated I started to research everything I could about what I was being told and the medications. When the combo that was working stopped working I became even more frustrated and went into a deep depression. This is when I tried ECT. Now I know that for some of that time my kidneys were failing so the meds weren’t being processed as usual. Now with 1 kidney I still can’t get a straight answer from any Doctor about my medications or why my kidneys failed to begin with.I’m now going to a Gastroenterologist in Massachusetts the end of June to hopefully find some answers. At this point I’m either not getting any of my medications or they are building up in my system because the 1 kidney can’t filter them out. It’s been hard without any support. I just don’t want to sound like a know it all. I’ve just been through more than the average person and hate to see other people have to go through the same.


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