Things may be going bad, really quick. I want to be positive, though.
Everyday is a bad day. No, everyday FEELS like a bad day. It’s just a feeling, not a fact.
Do you know when you wake up and you just want today to be good. Just one little thing but you don’t even know what it is. What could make today a good day? An itch I NEED to scratch. I try and I try but I’m never quite there.
That’s me. My mood sucks. I’m agitated. I’m making lists. My lists have lists.
I can’t sit still at work. I’m restless. I need to go. I need to do. I need to see. I need to spend. I want my apartment to be perfect. I want to be in control of everything. Absolutely everything.
And maybe this is hypomania, maybe this is the beginning of mania. I don’t exactly have a great grasp on hypomania. It has probably come and fled so quick, I only said hi and I was full fledged manic.
I’ve been abusing alcohol and klonopin. I hate saying that. But I want to be honest. I know I can be honest here.
I don’t want to turn down this path again. I won’t turn down this path. I will recover. I will not go back in the hospital. I promise you. I promise myself. I promise my parents. I promise everyone.
I feel so very alone. I can’t talk to my mom, her advice sucks. She tries her best. I love her, but she doesn’t know what it’s like. I take what she says with a grain of salt. A for effort mommy, I always love you. I do love you, you just don’t know what I’m going through.
I ask my one friend to visit because I have no friend close here and she’s like “oh I can’t, have plans”. Even though I told her I’m struggling and starting ED treatment. And she replies “does it suck?”. Well, that’s a refreshing opinion on the situation, huh?!
My other close friend can be unreliable. She is truly an angel but she’s just preoccupied with other things so it’s hard to get a hold of her.
My dad thinks working out is a positive outlet when reality it’s the most stressful thing for someone with body image issues. I can’t go to the gym. That’s all ED behavior.
I’m stuck. I’m getting sucked in. I want out. And I don’t even have internet until Saturday when Comcast shows up. It’s so frustrating. I’m so frustrating and mad. I don’t know what to do. I want it to stop.
But I want to thank everyone. I want to show my gratitude. I’m so privileged in life. In every other aspect, God has given me the best deck of cards. And I just want to give back and say to everyone here who reads my blog how thankful I am. Thank you for just hitting like or submitting a comment. It means the WORLD to me. I hope one day, I can write a memoir, be a public speaker, write a newspaper column, who knows.
I want to give back to all of my friends who are here and who hurt and struggle day in and day out. We are not alone. We are NEVER alone. No matter how tough things may seem, there is a shining star