And I am saying goodbye to my other blog, Shelley Snacks, because no one cares about it and I honestly don’t care about it either. Although the instagram is up and running for it, so check that out @shelleysnacks
But below I’m going to post the one and only post I had. I’m going to hope and pray that my psych is right. The eating disorder is just a little fling of the whole scheme of my bipolar disorder. We will see!
Here’s the post;
“Palates Shaped from Parents:
My mom is up in Boston to help me move into my petite studio apartment tomorrow. God bless her. But with her support and organization comes her food triggering comments. I’m hyper-aware of others food habits and my mom’s particularly.
Her food habits go a little something like this; she asks for no salt added every restaurant we go to. She always wants a salad, no chicken, no shrimp. She never drinks alcohol, ever. She never orders an appetizer, not even to share. She always comments her pants are getting tighter after we eat. She always comments how she shouldn’t have had that ice cream, after we indulge when we see each other every so often.
I get feeling guilty after eating! It’s my life and more! But I keep it to myself. It’s triggering for me to say it to myself and just a terrible, not good cycle for anyone to be in or around.
My mom doesn’t know about my eating disorder. Well, doesn’t know and is delusional are interchangeable.
When I was in my last summer of college, I sent her this book Broken Mirror. I was struggling with food a lot. She said she understood where I was coming from but she didn’t. I would cry when we went clothes shopping. I needed different clothes I felt comfortable wearing. She didn’t understand.
Right now, I’m fragile. I’m overwhelmed by my move, stressed out by work but vastly struggling with my disordered eating habits.
Last night, I forced myself to eat one yogurt after a workout. It was hard because my usual “safe” yogurt wasn’t there. I had to eat a yogurt that had 10 more calories in it. It’s not something I’m proud of but I did eat it.
I woke up at 4:45am to go to the gym this morning so I could get in a workout because I knew it was the only time I would be able to all day.
Today, I didn’t eat dinner. I ate a small frozen yogurt with sprinkles. My safe food. My mom asked me if it was enough, I said yes. But I’m back to my old habits.
She doesn’t know I’m seeing a dietician or an ED therapist. I’m afraid to mention it to her. I’m afraid of what she will say. I’m afraid she’s going to think the cost outweighs the benefits (even though she isn’t paying).
When my dad comes on Saturday, I’m really excited to just cry in his arms and tell him how hard things have been for me to just function. I know he’s noticed my weight, my food habits and I know he’s concerned.
Maybe moms just don’t want to acknowledge their children’s suffering. I’m not sure. It’s okay though. I love my mom, nonetheless. I can get through it. I’m going to look at this as another day in the same step, not a step back and not a step forward.
Happy Moving Day Eve to Me. Happy First Official “Shelley Snacks” Blog Post to Me.
Goodnight Everyone! Thank you always for the support. Xoxoxo
**this is one of my favorite pictures/quotes, sorry for the constant repost and repost!”