Today marks a new beginning. I met with an ED therapist. It was completely amazing and totally terrifying.
She brought up such good points, things that were never mentioned before with other doctors. She brought up how my body weight can impact lithium’s affect on me and my moods. That’s something new to me.
She validated that most doctors wouldn’t focus on the eating disorder part of my illness. Most of my doctors have called me “thin” but that’s all. They never looked into an eating disorder factor. The main focus is the bipolar 1 disorder. It always has been. I’ve been hospitalized for only mania and it’s only been mentioned that “Oh Michelle’s underweight, her BMI is underweight, we’ll watch it. we’ll weigh her regularly.”
But no one ever took enough interest to pay attention to the fact that I was only eating 5 different foods. It makes me sad.
My new therapist mentioned that in the perfect world, I wouldn’t work 50 hours. I would enter a PHP program and focus on my ED. I would meet with her, as my therapist, twice a week and my dietician once a week. I would get the help I need because if I don’t get it now, it will keep coming back.
This is true. This is all SO true. It’s so true that it scares me to death.
I’m scared. I’m so scared. I’m terrified. I don’t want to relapse. I haven’t even started a program and I’m afraid of going back-to-back behaviors.
Also, I don’t even feel sick (skinny) enough to need this sort of treatment.
I left the treatment session feeling hopeful. I told my mom “it went well”. I didn’t mention it to my dad. That’s going to be a longer phone call for tomorrow because I also want him to talk to her about what the next steps should be moving forward.
I’m also worried since I just moved into a more expensive apartment. I have a stable job. On paper, I’m living the absolute DREAM. But it’s never like that, right? It all works out, right? It’s still early in the treatment that I can figure out the odds and ends; if I have to take off work, if I have to work part-time, if I have to find a new job.
But for now, my therapist said, nothing is going to change so we aren’t going to worry. It’s another night, another day. We make it through. We always make it through.