My relationship with my mom has always been unique.
As a child, I wanted to be her.
In middle school, I loathed her.
In high school, I acted out because I wanted her to pay attention to me.
In college, I wanted her stop trying to control me.
After college, I wanted her to realize I was hurting and help me.
And now, I just want her to be my friend and listen.
Right now, I’m scared I’m falling down the path leading to in-patient. I don’t deal with stress, change and anxiety like I used to. My moods have become a very slippery slope. To make matters worse, I don’t have a support network up in Boston. I am only just starting to build it.
But, even though my mom, the one who tells me sleepy-time tea may overpower seroquel. And even though, my mom is the one who says I need to eat more protein to solve my weight issue, not see a dietician or ED specialist. My mom is the one who I call at 2am, bawling my eyes out.
She’s the one I can first tell I’m scared I’m falling seriously sick again. She’s the one I tell I don’t want to go back to the hospital. She’s the one who I say “who will bring my packed bag to inpatient!? I have no friends here for that” And she tells me I won’t go back and not to worry. She tells me I’m okay. I can get back on my feet. I’m strong. I’ve been through this before, I can do it again, and I will.
I don’t know what it is about girls and their moms. I love my mom so much and she’s always there for me. I hope there are other women here, who have and hold the privileged to be in a special bond with your mother, or a mother-like figure, because it’s truly one in a gazillion. Sometimes, I don’t know what I’d do without my mom. I love you so much, mom!