Having real problems versus just the real world? 

I’m writing this as I walk home from finishing my first week of my new job. The job is insanely demanding. I never imagined what working at a law firm would be like but I can tell you I eat lunch at my desk everyday and I work hours close to 830am-730pm and still leave with stuff to do. I won’t complain too much because it is really interesting and I’m never bored.

Anyway, one thing I found when applying to jobs is that being “detail-oriented” or “extremely organized” is a common value. It’s one I claim to have in my cover letter and on my resume, yet I really don’t.

In college, I took adderall. I was living life with an ADHD diagnosis and being on a stimulant saved me a lot with school work. It wasn’t the right drug for me being so vulnerable to mania but honestly, I’m not sure my huge papers would’ve been completed without it. 

Life changed and blah here I am now with a bipolar diagnosis and taking lithium.

I am awful at paying attention to details. This job is so detail driven and I forget what I forget to do and remember half of things and not others. My head is all over the place.

Yesterday I took my old lithium dosage, only 300 mg higher, something I haven’t done in months. I went to work and could barely stay awake. I was more unfocused than I already am. So today I went back to my lower dosage that keeps me sort of alert, yet still my brain feels foggy.

I’m not sure if I feel so behind and slow because of the way my brain is wired on top of my lithium. Or if I’m just new and it takes some adjusting.I don’t like to think that it’s my brain because it makes me worried I’ll never be able to hold a job and have a career. 

I get weird signs like I lay in bed and don’t want to go to sleep. Or I wake up in the middle of the night and I’m mad that it’s 4am because I’m ready to start my day. It makes me nervous that I need to bring my dosage back up but I’m worried that bringing my dosage back up will impact my work.

I should probably go get a new psychiatrist here in Boston and stop diagnosing myself.

If you didn’t know already, paranoia is something I struggle from on the regular! Goodnight everyone!

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