It would be dramatic and extreme to say my past hospitalization changed me, but it definitely did change my perspective on some things. I react to things in the world differently since my last little stint a few weeks ago.
For example, the two dysfunctional people who gave me life, my parents, I have become insanely dependent on. I long to be around them, all the time. It’s the most bizarre thing ever. I went to college in Michigan and I wouldn’t go home for like 6 months at a time and be perfectly fine about it. Right now, I have myself counting down the days until Easter so I have an excuse to see my mom.
I also have become more compassionate with myself. In the recent years, I admit, I have been much nicer to myself than I used to be. I find that being hard on yourself is exhausting and I hate being miserable and I hate being mad at myself. I used to thrive off hating myself though, and I think that’s something a lot of people can relate to. It’s so much easier to call yourself bad names after drunk eating versus saying like, “its happened it’s fine and it will go away”. I struggle with this, but I work on being self-compassionate.
The past few days have been hard. I’ve had a lot of anxiety about this new job, which has resulted in drinking way too much to cope. I had a terrible drunken night on Thursday and I spent over $100 on pizza…. I kept ordering them thinking it didn’t happen because I was so blackout. My body was so swollen from the fat and sodium the next day. I ate 2 pizzas and froze 3. But still, I was so unconscious that I kept eating and for someone with a binge eating problem…Not fun! And I texted this one guy a million times so I could sleep over, even though he wasn’t responding. *for the best* And just my classic bunch of other embarrassing things.
I get really bad hangover anxiety and so instead of giving into it, I’m just telling myself it’s fine. It’s water under the bridge. I’ve done worse things while manic and I have survived that so I can survive this. Who cares about drunk food… it goes away, right?! **please tell me yes**
I have this weird hesitation and fear about my new job. This new job = a new life = the unknown. But, I’m also in denial that I even got the job. I’m expecting a phone call on Monday rescinding the offer… I’m so paranoid. So I was fired from my previous job because I became manic and I left the position on my resume because it shows experience in Boston and that has gotten me interviews versus not, since it shows a 6 month gap. Anyway! I got this job and signed the contract to start Tuesday! But I still freak out on the regular about actually having the job…
Blame it on the bipolar. But, yes, so a new job, a new life. I get to take public transportation to work everyday. I’ll make new friends. It’s exciting because I get to start over in Boston but it’s also scary because who knows what’s going to happen!
Most of me just wants to run away into the comfort of my mother. I did that a few days ago… But, times like these are when we grow the most, right? So I just have to ride out this wave of discomfort and I’ll laugh about how scared I was some day.