I spent the weekend in Boston in my apartment with my roommates. It was a (sadly) foreign sense of relief and excitement to have a social life and things to do, which prompted me to applying to 40 jobs on Friday night.. I will never deny my impulsivity.
Today, I told my therapist at my outpatient program that I’m ready to step down to half days and she said okay. I guess recovery has been short this go-around but I’ve realized that once I’m on lithium, I can cope with nearly everything. Being at program makes me impatient and I’m ready to go back to real life.
Actually, I’m just really sick of people telling me how to think and what to do. So the program is Dialectal Behavior Therapy, DBT. It’s basically structured like an academic class and we have homework each night. There’s also a “diary card” where each day you mark down your Suicidal Behaviors, Self-Harm Behaviors, Urges to Use Substances, etc etc. There’s also rating your happiness, joy, misery, anger, sadness and then you mark down the “skills you’ve used”. My diary card is usually filled with Nos and zeros and I have the occasional 7 thrown in for joy and happiness. It’s just like, I don’t like to live my life being dictated by skills. I’m not going to sit there and try to tap into “wise mind” before I apply to a job to see if it could be the right fit or do some pros and cons to make sure that it’s beneficial for me to join a Junior League at this time in my life. It’s honestly exhausting to me.
I have gotten my “stamina” back post mania comedown and I have no problem making decisions. When things go off course, I find a way to move forward. And I think that right now I’m proving it post-hospitalization. I had my first phone interview today for this job hunt cycle and it went well. I had my provisional Junior League meeting tonight which was really exciting. So I’m looking to the future and feeling more positive about it than I have in the past. I still have some things to prepare like a therapist and psychiatrist up in Boston but so far, so good!