Hi, I’m back.
So long story short. I go to outpatient for the evaluation and she writes me an Rx for 4 milligrams of klonopin, because that’s what I’ve been taking. I have been self-medicating my mania with klonopin and lots and lots of wine. I was honest. But taking 4mg of klonopin is not sustainable. She said that the withdrawal from klonopin is serious, so she will write it for 4mg and slowly ween me off, on an outpatient basis, going down week by week.
CVS wouldn’t fill the prescription because klonopin is controlled and it’s obvious I was abusing it since I just got a prescription filled before I went to Puerto Rico. Long story short, I had to get off klonopin. But, due to the serious withdrawal side effects of going off klonopin, the safest place for it to happen was inpatient. So I land myself back in the psych ward. No biggie, another holiday spend in the psych ward. So far I’ve done, labor day, thanksgiving, new years eve/day inpatient and christmas eve and new years eve outpatient. I guess once you have a mental illness, spending holidays near hospitals becomes normal. No stress zone.
The unit I was on was for addicts. I went to multiple AA meetings and that’s something I’ve never experienced. I don’t consider myself an alcoholic or an addict. Some of the talks were really moving and others weren’t. At one meeting, I was given a 24 hour token for being sober. But I feel my main issue is bipolar and taking my lithium. I need to be addicted to lithium.
I was an athlete and I would do dry season for months, no problem. I would sometimes take a “personal dry season” for fun and not drink. But then there are times like when I’m manic or whatever mood comes along and I can’t say no or I can’t put the bottle down. There are other times when I get so into being healthy and so into wellness that I run from alcohol. I think I have no structure and no core value right now and that makes it hard for me to focus.
Yes, alcohol has caused terrible things in my life. But, I am not ready to commit my life to a place of abstinence, take an oath and join AA. Also, I feel that AA had a “holier than thou” perspective and ruminated on the past a lot. I get that people come from hard backgrounds, we all do, but I really don’t like to ruminate too much and I don’t like to hear others do it. I like to just move forward, it’s water under the bridge.
I don’t know how many of you with bipolar struggle with addiction or alcoholism. I know the two are intertwined a lot. It seems like people with bipolar suffer from all sorts of additional disorders and illnesses. I know I suffer from eating disorders, as right now my BMI is close to underweight. But it’s tough. It’s hard to calm our brains and it’s hard to get things on track and to be healthy in all aspects. It doesn’t mean it’s impossible and I don’t want to make excuses. We all do our best every single day and we should all be proud of how far we have come.
My next step is back to PHP. But, I really wish I was going back to Boston because living with my family is going to be really tough for 6-8 weeks. I haven’t told my roommates about my illness, I know they’ll be understanding but I want to do it in person. I’m going up next weekend, getting some stuff and telling them.
It feels good to be back in my own bed. I hope everyone had a great new years eve and was safe! You’ll be hearing from me more whether you like it or not!