My first manic-depressive episode was the summer of 2015. I was living alone in an apartment over the summer in Ann Arbor, Michigan. I was trying to graduate from Michigan on time, so I took 6 classes over the summer. (spoiler, didn’t happen). One class was an independent study, I wrote 50 pages on the politics behind GMO labeling in the United States versus in Europe.
I was severely depressed. I will never forget the morning I walked around the college summer ghost town and though to to myself, “I have never been happy my entire life, I can’t remember one moment of happiness, ever”. I took a lot of adderall, which probably helped get me out of bed and to the library everyday. But I disconnected from everything and everyone, except one person. I’ll call him, Ben.
Ben texted me all day, every day. He asked how my paper was going. He was in Europe for part of the time and found wifi and would talk to me. I would talk to him and I would forget how sad I was, I would forget how anxious I was to finish this paper and to just graduate. He was my escape. When I finally submitted my paper, he told me how proud he was of me. He was my cheerleader.
I would be crying and texting him. He wouldn’t know my mental state, but he would make me laugh. He unknowingly pulled me out of so much depression and sadness and had no idea. When I thought about harming myself, I didn’t. I never told him that I was sad, depressed, struggling, confused. I didn’t know I was bipolar at the time and they had put me on Paxil (Paxil and adderall for a BP1 = psychotic manic episode that later ensued).
Last night I drunk texted him. And I said
“I just want to say thanks for being there when I was really struggling a few summers ago. You really did help me get through a lot even if it didn’t seem like it”
He replied this morning,
“While I’m not entirely sure what it was that I did to help, I’m glad it did and I hope you’re doing well now”
While we tried to continue our relationship after I moved back home because I got too sick. I became psychotic and he ended things. I was too much for him and I respect that.
Sometimes you just have those people. They are there and they help you, they pick you up and they don’t know it. They may not be in your life forever. You may not marry them. But they are there while you struggle, even if they don’t know it.
I’m forever grateful for people like that. I just wanted to share this because sometimes you don’t know how much you help people, how much people suffer and just talking about anything or making some one smile or laugh really makes such a difference.