Last night was one of the first nights in weeks that I didn’t fall asleep due to an alcohol induced coma and/or blackout. So I’ll take that as a victory.
Last night one of my very best friends came over to hang out with me while I’m home alone. She’s a nurse and started as a nurse on a psych unit for years so I always love talking to her, she’s a great listener. My parents love to text her and be like “make sure she doesn’t drink. Make sure blah.” I feel like I’m babysat, but I’ll try and perceive that as love.
Today, I’m going shopping because I need to be prepared for inpatient. I guess you can call me slightly neurotic, but I love to be prepared. And as my 3rd time going into inpatient, which isn’t even definite yet, but I will probably ask to commit myself on my apt the 29th, I need to have everything I need, being locked up in itself does something to your mind. (PS, if you’re interested in the sociological aspect of institutionalization, please read Asylums by Erving Goffman. He talks about “total institutions” and how it impacts your mind). It’s helps to understand the process of being hospitalized for anyone who struggles with it or just wants to learn more.
I’m glad it’s not my first rodeo, so I’ll have my shoes without laces. I won’t pack my tweezers (getting my eyebrows waxed today). I won’t bring markers, since I know they’ll be taken, but colored pencils (hopefully?) with coloring books to kill time between group. Side note: I bought the largest crayola pack instead. Who knows they may think pencils will inflict SI.
I know that journaling is essential for your mind and spirit so I will buy a brand new journal for this next journey. (Today, I already made the mistake of buying one w spirals, which I will exchange today.) And of course, a ton of magazines and books. But it will take a day of preparing for this and tomorrow I’m in the city all day so today will be a productive day. As well as tomorrow.
I’m being positive. I called back some Boston people who offered me interviews and explained I won’t be in the Boston area for about a few weeks and if their interview process allows that time gap, then that is wonderful. But if not, that’s okay too. I can’t stress about jobs I’m not well enough to take on.
I will go inpatient, I hope on the 29th and be stabilized. I also do not want to spend New Years Eve a free woman. I want to be locked up, as crazy *pun* as that sounds. I want to tell them that I need to go inpatient for a week to be stable on my meds and then I need to get back to Boston. I hope they will help me to find a PHP in Boston. Then maybe a part-time job in the Boston-area and then in August, once my lease is up, I’ll move to NYC and start over there. That’s my plan.
I’m probably going to have to stop drinking together for good. Who knows if I can do it. That will be the hardest. I’ll have to religiously take my meds but I’ll be okay. We are always okay, eventually. We always heal, no matter how tough times seem.
One confusing thing is all of the government assistance; unemployment, food stamps, disability. It’s different in each state and I’m not even sure where I’m considered a resident. I’ve applied for everything, in NJ and MA, but have heard back about nothing. It’s not too urgent right now, but once I’m back in Boston, it would be necessary to have, as I’m not sure what my financial situation will look like.
I’m hoping today is a good day. Today will be a good day. It already is a good day. I woke up before 9. I didn’t drink myself to sleep. Happy happy Tuesday!