I ruin every thing I touch 

I’m flying home. My therapist called me. On Christmas Day. And my mom changed my flight and I am going home back to Newark. I can’t believe it. I feel so guilty. It’s so expensive to fly me here in the first place but I need to go home. I’m in pain. I need to go inpatient. I need to be safe. I can’t stop drinking. 

My dad is picking me up from Newark. But just to go on a cruise. And then go to Chicago.  And I’m an orphan with bipolar disorder and I’m going through an episode and I’m alone.

My therapist called me on Christmas Day while I drank and ate shrimp cocktail. Not at all completely glamorous and not at all how I expected to eat my Christmas dinner. On the phone, drunk, with my therapist. But it’s because I’ve hit rock bottom. I can never explain how appreciative I am that she called me on a holiday because she is worried. I told her that she’s the only one who worries and cares and it means so much to me. I pay her her weekly fee but she really plays the most huge role of my life. Without her, I would not be here writing this post. 

I will never be able to explain the amount of love I feel towards that. I’ve never felt cared for and here I am being seen care of, in a different *country* and a diff time zone etc. I am so grateful.  I am so grateful. I can’t wait to get home and sleep forever. My dad keeps texting me like see you then and blah. I wanna get to this airport and damn this stupid plane and be back in Princeton, This is a merry Christmas. Xoxoxo *all in sarcarism*

This is a Christmas that will be written in my future memoir. Merry Christmas. Never been a fan of holidays and now I never will. 


2 thoughts on “I ruin every thing I touch 

  1. Stay strong, having an episode and needing inpatient therapy doesn’t mean you ruined everything. You were having an episode before you left and didn’t quite realize it yet. Keep in mind that you stuck it out before your body told you that you had to quit. And you’ll hold out longer the next time too. This isn’t a set back. It is a step forward to a stronger you.

    Liked by 1 person

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