Christmas Comfort 

It’s hard to relax on vacation when I don’t know what my next step is.Next step in relation to where to go for help. 

Outpatient Or inpatient. Princeton. Boston. NYC. Hell I could go to Malibu. But I’ll go close to home because that’s what I need.

Once my lease is up in in Boston going to move to New York City. I need a city and I need to be close to my parents. I told my dad I’ll either get my own apartment or move into his NYC apartment with him. He agreed. I hate the feeling of being unstable and being unsafe. And that’s how I feel all the time. I told my dad I wish I was here with him and not my mom. It’s a halfway gross but halfway co-dependent relationship. Different story for different post. 

I think I’ll try to do inpatient in New York. I’ve done it and it’s been traumatic. I probably said this but I’ve always dreamed of going to Columbia pres cornells westchester campus. I have been to Columbia pres in NYC. I spent my 1st hospitalization in Columbia pres in NYC, very traumatic experience and I signed myself AMA.  But westchester is sort of  a halfway point here to Boston and what’s the point of setting up care in Boston when in august I’ll move out. It’s closer to my therapist at home and maybe they can recommend good temporary care in Boston for the 8 months I’ll be there.

I feel sad since I love my roommates and they’re great people. One Is a nurse and one works for event planning for the special Olympics. No corporate slaves here. Very understanding humans and I’m still really anxious to tell them about my illness.

I’m telling my dad my entire inner dialogue and he tells me to relax. Trying to relax is so hard. I read books and memoirs and listen to music and then the drinking starts but I need someone to talk to and I need advice and my mom sucks and I want her to get it and ugh. I want to call hospitals. I want it not to be Christmas because I want to call them and have it not be Christmas so they’ll answer and I can have closure. 

I need comfort in knowing that it’s going to turn out okay and I’ll have a stable life and I can hold a job and I can not having this terrible feeling anymore.

I forget it’s Christmas and I apologize because it’s supposed to be a happy day of family and love and support. I just need to let out my anxieties or I’ll explode again. 
Merry Christmas. Xoxoxo 

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