I have this other weird thought about my future and about being alone. I feel like I need to have a child because otherwise my blood line will die. My brother will not have a child. I only have 6 cousins even though my mom is one of 3 and my dad is one of 4. But I’m currently reading “All the Single Ladies” and it sort of makes me feel okay with being alone.
I’m so agitated and antsy half the time that sometimes it’s best for me to be alone. I like to be alone sometimes because I’m so impatient. I don’t know how patient I can be with raising a kid. And a HUGE thing is that, I would be a risk to passing bipolar disorder onto my child. It’s not a bad thing, bipolar is great, it makes the world unique and it makes us (who are affected), us. But we suffer and do I want to bring a child into the world with the hardships that I deal with. Bottom line: How do I care for a child and care for my own mental health at the same time. I guess it’s something you learn as you go.
If I meet the right person, fall in love, he accepts me for who I am, illness, broken family, instability and all then yes. I will meet you at city hall and sign that damn marriage certificate. But I think, as a 23 year old, the world should be my oyster and it doesn’t feel that way. I feel I have a lot of hurdles and a lot of expectations. I can’t believe I’m literally in paradise and this is what I worry about.
I read a funny quote in “All the Single Ladies”. It said “When our mothers were our age, they had husbands instead of cats.” – Rebecca Traister. And it’s true. I literally have 2 cats, and my mom met my dad on a blind date at my age and they ended up getting married. Then divorced. Honestly, they were a catastrophic couple but still. I don’t know. I’m rambling. What is my future? I’m scared. I can’t follow the classic path of graduating college, getting a job, getting married and starting a family. I know everyone has their issues but bipolar is different. And those with mental illness know what I mean.