Being Alone Forever

I have this other weird thought about my future and about being alone. I feel like I need to have a child because otherwise my blood line will die. My brother will not have a child. I only have 6 cousins even though my mom is one of 3 and my dad is one of 4. But I’m currently reading “All the Single Ladies” and it sort of makes me feel okay with being alone.

I’m so agitated and antsy half the time that sometimes it’s best for me to be alone. I like to be alone sometimes because I’m so impatient. I don’t know how patient I can be with raising a kid. And a HUGE thing is that, I would be a risk to passing bipolar disorder onto my child. It’s not a bad thing, bipolar is great, it makes the world unique and it makes us (who are affected), us. But we suffer and do I want to bring a child into the world with the hardships that I deal with. Bottom line: How do I care for a child and care for my own mental health at the same time. I guess it’s something you learn as you go.

If I meet the right person, fall in love, he accepts me for who I am, illness, broken family, instability and all then yes. I will meet you at city hall and sign that damn marriage certificate. But I think, as a 23 year old, the world should be my oyster and it doesn’t feel that way. I feel I have a lot of hurdles and a lot of expectations. I can’t believe I’m literally in paradise and this is what I worry about.

I read a funny quote in “All the Single Ladies”. It said “When our mothers were our age, they had husbands instead of cats.”  – Rebecca Traister. And it’s true. I literally have 2 cats, and my mom met my dad on a blind date at my age and they ended up getting married. Then divorced. Honestly, they were a catastrophic couple but still. I don’t know. I’m rambling. What is my future? I’m scared. I can’t follow the classic path of graduating college, getting a job, getting married and starting a family. I know everyone has their issues but bipolar is different. And those with mental illness know what I mean. 

I have to get through this vacation, I have to get back into the hospital and I have to become stable again. Xoxo, Merry christmas eve.

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3 thoughts on “Being Alone Forever

  1. Just hang in there, and let the fact that you are bipolar become your strength, also when it causes problems. Because how could you be able to appreciate life when it’s good if you never had to go through some rough times ?

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  2. I have three kids and I have passed on a predisposition to my older two. My daughter, who is 13, is really struggling. I wasn’t diagnosed with anything when I chose to have children so I didn’t factor that in. Even so, I wouldn’t change it. They may have difficulties but if they have a parent that deals
    with the same issues at least they have understanding too 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s so true. I think that’s something I struggle with is the disconnect with my parents. My dad wants to understand and reads the books I give him but my mom is more spiritual and holistic. It’s definitely a different situation when you have parents who can support you in an effective way. Thanks for the advice. Merry Christmas!

      Liked by 1 person

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