Finding love and losing love

I feel sad. I feel like I ruin every relationship I get into. I’m a hard person to be with. I’m irritable. I’m inpatient. I’m agitated. I’m high maintenance. I’m stubborn. I like to be in control. 

I titled this “finding love and losing love” but it’s probably just infatuation and lust and me trying to replace my dad who takes care of me. 

But I find guys I click with. And when I do. I let them consume me. I go from first date to full blow boyfriend in less than a week. Weekday sleepovers, date nights, meeting friends, doing fun activities together. We communicate, we’re texting all day, we click, we connect, we both feel it and then I make a mess of myself. My disease comes out. I drink too much. I hurt myself. I sleep with someone else. He realizes I’m too much to handle and it breaks. I perceive the relationship from a different perspective because of my illness. 

I don’t know if it’s just the holiday season but I’m sad that I ruin everything. I had 2 really amazing guys I was dating. One in New York City and one in Boston. I could be with both of them long term but I’m afraid I ruined both and I’m sad. They don’t know my illness. 

I don’t know how to tell people because I don’t know how to explain it to myself. I want to learn because I want a partner to help me through this life. 

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