So I went to dinner with my NYC boy, took a cab to LGA, which probably cost literally $100 dollars. I’m mad about that. Because I still have to fly to Boston, and cab home. I’m texting my mom because for some reason I feel so alone. NYC boy is completely infatuated with me. At first I thought he was vanilla ice cream, but I’m learning he’s a little bit more. He’s going through some family stuff so we’re getting to emotional things, which is good. I’m a freaking open book (not that I ever mention being BP but you can tell I’m unstable, or I am paranoid). But!!! I feel like no one will ever stay with me. They’ll realize my problems and leave. And this quote, is kind of my life.
“The (500) days of Summer attitude of ‘He wants you so bad’ seems attractive to some women and men, especially younger ones, but I would encourage anyone who has a crush on my character to watch it again and examine how selfish he is. He develops a mildly delusional obsession over a girl onto whom he projects all these fantasies. He thinks she’ll give his life meaning because he doesn’t care about much else going on in his life. A lot of boys and girls think their lives will have meaning if they find a partner who wants nothing else in life but them. That’s not healthy. That’s falling in love with the idea of a person, not the actual person”
– .Joseph Gordon-Levin
AND THIS IS MY LIFE. Every boy, thinks I’m so exciting and so fun and so energetic and enthusiastic. This has happened to me time and time and time and TIME AGAIN.
I can go out on dates and look good and go out to bars, look presentable and hot for the night. I’m literally the trophy “girlfriend” but then I get blackout and then I break my ankle, or I say how my dad dated someone 8 years older than me, or I do something embarrassing, or something of my mental illness shows and they slowly break away and I become afraid. I am so afraid of ending up alone. I have very few best friends right now. I seriously depend on myself, because mental illness, you know. No one gets it except yourself and support groups (which I’m working on).
My parents are divorced, and my biggest fear is being divorced. I don’t know the mistakes they made but I want to marry someone for life. I know that they made the mistake of literally never being compatible. I guess I do know their mistakes since I am my dads therapist…. but I want to find my best friend. And I want someone who can take care of me. I don’t care what you say. Everyone needs to be taken care of at some level. Some people more than others. Some people less. But everyone works it out, every single person is taken care of and every single person takes care of someone.
I have a *co-dependent relationship* with my dad that I’m afraid is going to affect my future relationships with my future boyfriend/husband. Because who can compare to him, he gives me the entire MF world. But for now, I just want someone to love and I want someone to lean on when I’m hurting. I’m about to get on the plane. Xoxo, I love you New York City and I’ll be back soon