Tonight I am calm. Tonight I am composed. Tonight I am collected. And I am doing it for you, dad. I cannot embarrass my dad at his event. I already had 2 glasses of wine before the event and I can tell he’s nervous because he knows I drink until I blackout. He knows I drink on klonopin. But unlike other events and other times, I’m not going to let him down. I drank coffee instead of wine as I got ready. I am going to be on my best behavior. I’m going to be the trophy daughter for you, dad.
Tonight, I’m going to pretend my mental illness doesn’t exist. My mind isn’t running way faster than my body and that I can live in the moment. And that I can live in the moment without alcohol has a crutch. It’s going to take everything in me, if I can do it. But when your dad says “You have to keep it together until 1am.” You keep it together until 1am. I won’t let you down, dad.
Lots of water, lots of breathing, lots of positive self-talk. I got this.
Ps. who thought fun could be so hard???