So very tired of being so very sick

For me, when I become symptomatic I get this weird feeling. Like I want to rip my skin off. It sounds grotesque, but my body doesn’t move fast enough to keep up with my head and I feel uncomfortable in my own being.

I have so much coming up over the holidays that I can’t back down now. I have to stay strong and fake it til I make it. I’m flying to New York City on Thursday and I can do it. I’m going back to New York City on Wednesday and I can do it. I’m flying to Puerto Rico on the 23rd for Christmas and I can do it. I know I can do it. I have to hang in there and just let my thoughts be thoughts. It’s so tough for me. I’m trying so very very hard to manage and deal.

Today, I just drove on my sprained ankle. My car is in meh condition but I needed to get out and so I walked a ton this morning and then I drove a ton to this woodsy area just for the therapeutic self-care. I’m talking to my therapist tonight and she’ll tell me to go to the hospital. And I will say no. I will not tell her I sprained my ankle or that I have 8 stitches in my knee.

But to be honest, I’m considering going inpatient at McLean after the holidays. The holidays will be crazy and I will need a rest. There’s so much I want to do with my life. And that so much feel unreachable at this moment. I want to go to grad school, I want to have a career, I want to have a husband and a family. I know I will always need support and I will always need someone by my side to take care of me but I don’t want to feel like this way that I ache in life.

I’m in this in between of “I can do anything” and “I can do nothing” and it’s hard to tell what is real and what isn’t. I’m just moving forward. Like some smart person said, “it doesn’t matter how slow you go, as long as you don’t stop”. And that is my motto for the moment, even though I have tons of wine involved to numb the fact of how slow time is moving.

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4 thoughts on “So very tired of being so very sick

  1. Ugh…oh honey…
    I just know the feels. I’ve said I wanted to rip my skin off before too…it wasn’t well received.
    But I getcha.
    I’m stuck between 2 methods of advice/encouragement here hmm…
    Keep writing. That’s all I know for sure at the moment you NEED this. So during the holidays and all that travel (girl these days I just tell em no lol) keep writing and posting and letting it out.
    You got this. Xoxo

    Like

  2. Yeah I agree. Let it all out, but I also agree that you should definitely see someone about what you’ve been feeling. The road to recovery is tough, but the rewards make it all worth it.

    Like

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