I wish I could spend a weekend inpatient. My brain needs a rest. I am going on day 6 of drinking myself to sleep. I’m going on day 6 of impulsively shopping, spending money I shouldn’t. I’m going on day 6 of going from irritable to grandiose to agitated to excited to overwhelmed to exhausted to binge eating to apathetic.
I have cracked open to an extent. I told my mom that I need medical help ASAP but I told her I can’t speak about it over the phone, only text. She was supportive, in her way, she minimized it and said, “if we’re only talking about therapists why can’t we just talk on the phone.” She doesn’t get it. It’s okay. I can only accept my mom for what she is. I wish she could comfort me the way I need but I have my non-blood related family for that. My best friend said to me,
“I know you’re probably feeling so alone right now
But you need to stop thinking you’re burdening anyone, especially your roommates.
It’s the beginning and it’ll be hard
You’re in a new phase in life
And it’s just overwhelming. You need healthy ways of coping
When you binge, you punish yourself after.
You gotta love yourself and your body
It’s so easy to tell you not to worry about living up to some standard
But to actually absorb it, I know it’s not that simple
You just have to get yourself to the point where you don’t care enough about what people think”
And with that, I feel a little less hopeless and I feel a little better. I’m going to make it through. We’re all going to make it through. We keep our heads up and we keep fighting.