I’ve been dating this smart, sweet, precious boy for the past few weeks. We just spent the whole weekend together and it was amazing. Having someone who makes spending time together so fun and exciting is the best feeling in the world.
I’ve had a bunch of short relationships and a few longer ones but I always get stuck at some point. It’s really difficult for me to talk about my family, especially my mother. I think I freak out because I don’t want a guy to think there’s something wrong with me because I don’t get along with my mom and I’m not that into my family life in general. Also, because of my illness, my college career wasn’t a traditional 4 year event. I have a lot of shame about not graduating on time and so I stretch the truth and make up stories to seem like I’m not a total failure.
This brings me to telling the guys I’m dating about my illness. I’ve realized that my situation with school and my mom, amongst other things, all correlate back to my bipolar disorder. I could just let it out to him but I’m so afraid. I was once dating a guy who I actually met inpatient (my experience, bad bad idea). I realized that two illnesses together do not make a good match, so I dumped him. When I told him it was over, he accused me of being manic and that really hurt. I know he didn’t mean it, he was upset. But he showed me that it can be used unfairly and judgmentally against me.
The fact that I can’t control how they interpret my illness and how it’ll change their perception of me is a really scary and tough thing for me to grasp. I try to wait as long as possible so I can prove myself as being normal, functioning and stable. But it gets hard sneaking my medication, making up excuses when I need to go to therapy or covering up parts of my past.
Maybe this is a thing that I need to accept for myself so that I can share it with others without fear. The right man won’t judge me for my illness. But it’s easier said than done to get to that point.