Deja Vu and Dispute

My mom and I got into another heated, intense fight. Just another Monday morning, starting the month of August off strong. I have no idea what to do. I want to have a mom that I can tell things to and trust and have comfort me and make me feel loved and special. But it’s so difficult and so scary for me because I feel attacked and rejected by her. I’ve mentioned going to therapy but she doesn’t want to.

Whenever I’m with my friends and I see them call their moms or if I see a mother-daughter out to dinner, I envy them. I want to have a comforting relationship with my mom. I want to feel like she’s the only person to make me feel better, at certain times. I don’t want to have calculated conversations and be on edge, all the time.

I wish my mom would understand and accept my illness. I think that’s one of the first steps to making things better, so she can understand where I come from and why I act or respond the way I do. I wish she wouldn’t attack me because somedays I don’t feel 100% and I’m thrown off even more.

I can’t help her understand. Every time I argue with her, I wish I could tell her how much it hurts. I crave physically harming myself and I can feel my insides bursting. She would tell me that only I can control that. And I would become more upset.

I talk about this during therapy but it never gets anywhere. I don’t know how to handle the situation.

When I move out next month, a huge part of me really wants to ignore her for a few years. I want to write her a letter and tell her how I feel and how much pain she’s caused me. The sad part is, I don’t even think she’d be affected by it.

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One thought on “Deja Vu and Dispute

  1. Your story is so sad and I feel like I needed to tell you… my mom wasn’t maternal, I was 1 of 6 kids, and I know it was only because my dad loved kids. I felt many times she just didn’t care… until the time she had a stroke and was in the hospital, I went in and told her I loved her, she told me she loved me (one of maybe 5 in my life) and then she had another major stroke and passed away. I remember feeling lost because I never got to spend that time when a daughter spends with her mom. but…. I did learn one thing from her… love my children and no matter what… its their life. be there for them and just love them. It’s hard for you, but sometimes we don’t realize what the other person goes thru with their life as well. Just be… not bitter, just love her… no matter what… she may come around. importantly… love yourself… you can’t love others if you don’t love yourself. good luck … keep posting, I will ” be there” to read and give you motherly advice if you need it. lol. (I am a grandma as well.)

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