My mom and I got into another heated, intense fight. Just another Monday morning, starting the month of August off strong. I have no idea what to do. I want to have a mom that I can tell things to and trust and have comfort me and make me feel loved and special. But it’s so difficult and so scary for me because I feel attacked and rejected by her. I’ve mentioned going to therapy but she doesn’t want to.
Whenever I’m with my friends and I see them call their moms or if I see a mother-daughter out to dinner, I envy them. I want to have a comforting relationship with my mom. I want to feel like she’s the only person to make me feel better, at certain times. I don’t want to have calculated conversations and be on edge, all the time.
I wish my mom would understand and accept my illness. I think that’s one of the first steps to making things better, so she can understand where I come from and why I act or respond the way I do. I wish she wouldn’t attack me because somedays I don’t feel 100% and I’m thrown off even more.
I can’t help her understand. Every time I argue with her, I wish I could tell her how much it hurts. I crave physically harming myself and I can feel my insides bursting. She would tell me that only I can control that. And I would become more upset.
I talk about this during therapy but it never gets anywhere. I don’t know how to handle the situation.
When I move out next month, a huge part of me really wants to ignore her for a few years. I want to write her a letter and tell her how I feel and how much pain she’s caused me. The sad part is, I don’t even think she’d be affected by it.