Unfair Friendships

People get confused with being aggressive and being selfish. I have a big personality and I love to talk and socialize. I’m not afraid to go up to a person and ask for what I need in any situation. I’m not afraid to flag down a taxi cab, a waiter in a restaurant or a random person to take a picture of my friends and I. And for some reason, people think this translates into being selfish. Oh she went up and asked for something instead of waiting her turn. People tend to think I’m a narcissist (my mother) or a spoiled brat (my friends). I will admit, I have always been a sort of “daddy’s girl” and given nice things in life. But it doesn’t mean that I only care about myself because I have an apple watch (what do those two things have to do with each other anyway?).

I honestly think the complete opposite about me. I feel isolated, alone, neglected and uncared for most of the time, for most of my life. I have parents that have always let me be which has caused me to be independent and self-reliant. Because I feel like this, I crave socializing and people around me since I feel I’m going through life alone. For me, the way to draw people in is to do things for them, plan nights in the city, invite them to dinner or spend the day at the beach. I end up putting myself at the bottom to have other people enjoy themselves around me so I can feel in touch with the world and in sync with others. I chauffer, I pay, I am dragged along to stores or things I don’t want to go to.

But when I draw the line and I say enough, that’s when people call me selfish because I put myself first and say no to whatever ridiculous things. I want people to realize how I feel and how I suppress my emotions and sacrifice my needs for others. I don’t mind doing things for other people, I do it all the time. I just wish sometimes people would understand where I’m coming from and reciprocate and make me feel the way I try to make others. I am still searching for that friend.

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