I officially can’t wait for summer to be over. Summer is usually my favorite season but this year I feel so out of control of my life. To put my current live into therapy terms, I’m outside my window of tolerance.
I’m finishing school to earn my undergrad degree from the University of Michigan. I was behind on graduating, as I should’ve earned my diploma in May 2015. I walked with my class but I was still 15 credits shy. Last summer I planned to stay in Ann Arbor to finish the classes but I became unstable and eventually insanely (no pun intended) manic. I was hospitalized in August and then again in November, which pushed me back to finishing my degree this summer. I’m taking 3 classes at a nearby University and transferring them back to Michigan. It makes me anxious to finish because I know this is the one thing holding me back from being independent from my parents, which brings me to my next point.
My living situation is torturous. My parents are divorced and my mom and I simply don’t connect. I have some mental block against her. I can’t talk to her about anything because I feel like she is always attacking me. She gets angry that I don’t talk to her and says I just use her for her house to sleep. It may come off that way but it’s because I feel so unsafe around her. If I were to tell her anything about what I’m mentally and emotionally dealing with, she would tell me it’s my fault and I’m the only one who can do anything about it.
My dad understands me and we get along really well. I can’t live with him because I have two cats that I adopted in college and he’s allergic. I’m planning to move to Philly in September and my dad will help pay for my apartment while I look for a job. So I have a light at the end of the tunnel, it just sometimes feels like the tunnel is getting longer and the light is so far away.
My birthday is in a few weeks, July 22. I’m so stressed about what to do for it because I want to spend it with my best friend and only her, but she may be working that weekend (she’s a nurse). I’m so afraid of spending my birthday alone.
Last week I broke up with my boyfriend. We were together for about 4 months and we never had a strong connection. I really hoped that it would grow at some point but after telling him about having bipolar disorder and being hospitalized, I realized he doesn’t understand what I go through. He thinks we’re on a break because he wouldn’t accept me needing to be by myself to get my life together. I’m anxious about him contacting me again and trying to manipulate me. He’s confused as to why I’m not sad but I honestly am sad, just in a different way. I’m sad and disappointed that we couldn’t emotionally connect and understand each other on an intimate level.
I’m trying to practice distress tolerance in my life right now because I know it’s not forever. I feel out of control and alone but the hard part is explaining it to people in a way that they will understand (I have yet to figure it out). I’m constantly in conversations and situations where people don’t understand or don’t validate the way I feel, which obviously makes me feel so much worse. Writing this makes me feel selfish. I feel like I’m just saying how people aren’t doing what I want them to. The truth is right now I feel like I need to be isolated because I’m so agitated with the world around me. I’m hoping this will pass