I’m not here to make assumptions but people have first loves. The person who sweeps you off your feet, makes you picnics, remembers special anniversaries, etc. My first love was my boyfriend when I was 14 and we lingered in and out for about 7 years. I remember we were too young to drive so we would bike and we kissed on our bikes and someone called us out for how cute we were.
The terrible thing about my first love was that over the years he became controlling. He got mad at me for seeing movies we were supposed to see together. I got asked to Prom as a sophomore in high school but prom was “our thing”, I never went with either of them. He would make me do his chores like walk his dog or set the table for family dinner. He was emotionally abusive. As a competitive swimmer, I couldn’t check my phone during swim meets because he was so unhealthy towards me that it would distract me from my races.
And here I am, I’m 24 years old and I have fallen back into the same pattern. I have been dating a guy who takes me on dates to shake shack. I offer to pick him up and he always accepts. He Facetimes me every day, multiple times a day. But he doesn’t try anymore. He doesn’t want to take me on dates. He FT’d me on valentines day but before he was going out with his guy friends. He cares but he doesn’t care enough.
And here I am. This boy, knows everything. He knows the pills I take in the morning and the pills I take at night. He knows my hospitalizations. He knows my time away from work for mental health. He knows my screwed up family. He knows my close relationship with my dad and my non-existent relationship with my brother. He knows about my eating disorder. And I wish I could be with him more, I wish he would realize what we have and how hard it is for me to open up this way but with him, I did.
And, I’ve become better at letting myself be vulnerable about my illness and my family but it’s not every day you can be so candid. Do I deserve better? Of course. Will I follow through? That’s to be determined.